The Breakup
by MBP
Summary: This begins when Soda and Sandy break up but it really deals with the breakup of the Curtis family over the course of the week that Pony was missing. OC: the oldest Curtis is now a girl...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE OUTSIDERS. 

A/N: Samantha is the oldest Curtis now, but she doesn't live at home. She's married and out of the house… has been since before the accident. I promise the next chapter will be longer.

I was walking up to the door after a long day at work when I heard the phone ringing inside. Dropping my bags right inside the door, I reached for it tiredly. I couldn't imagine who would be calling me now.

"Sam?" From the instant I heard the voice, I didn't even need to ask who it was. It was my younger brother, Sodapop, and even though none of my brothers were particularly good about keeping in touch over the phone, I still knew each of their voices instantly.

"Hey Soda," I said, smiling into the phone. "Long time no talk. How are you? How's Darry? How's Pony?"

"We're ok," he said, but I could hear a sigh in his voice, so I waited. He never called for no reason. Pony was the only one who ever called just to say hello. I was lucky if Darry ever picked up the phone at all. He hated admitting that he wasn't the oldest, so he pretended that he was most of the time. That was ok with me. I felt guilty sometimes that he was left in charge of our younger brothers, but when we discussed the arrangements after the accident, none of them wanted to leave our parents' house. I hadn't lived there in over a year at that point, not since I'd married Tom, so it didn't make sense for me to go back. That's what I kept telling myself anyway. It didn't always help the guilt to go away, so whenever one of my brothers needed me, I made sure I was there for whatever it was. I felt like it was the only small way I could help Darry. I'm only two years older than he is, but sometimes he seems so much more mature even if I am married. He's just aged so much lately…

I realized, suddenly, that Soda hadn't said anything in a few minutes, so I jolted myself back to this phone call.

"Hey Pepsi Cola?" I asked gently, quickly realizing that something had to have been really wrong for him to call and then not even say anything. He sighed again.

"It's just… well, it's Sandy. Sam, I don't know what to do. She's barely talking to me anymore, but I don't know what I did wrong."

I could hear the note of desperation his voice, and I wished, not for the first time… not even for the first time that day… that Mom were still here. She'd know what to say, but now that was left to me, and I only knew a little bit more than he did. I tried my best.

"Have you tried talking to her? I mean… just asking her what's wrong straight out? I don't think she'd be able to lie to you if you just asked plain and simple, do you?"

"No," he said slowly, but I could hear the fear in his voice, and I knew why he hadn't asked yet.

"Listen," I said in a low voice, "I know it's scary, but isn't it better to know?"

He thought for a minute and then mumbled, "Yeah, I guess you're right. If I do talk to her, I'll call you later to tell you what happened, ok?"

"Of course," I reassured him quickly. My heart was sinking, though. I didn't think this could possibly turn out the way he hoped it would. I don't know why I had this feeling of doom, but I know my brother is prone to having his heart broken. He's too trusting, and he's already given too much of himself to Sandy. I'm not saying I don't like her. I do, and I know Pony and Darry do too… but I'm too protective of Soda when it comes to girls. I never think anyone is good enough for his trusting heart. I hoped I was wrong this time. I hoped Sandy would prove me wrong.

"Thanks Sam," he said, and I could hear the relief in his voice. Darry and Pony love him as much as I do, but I know that sometimes it's easier for them to talk to me than each other when it comes to girls. Even Darry has come to me occasionally. Sometimes I think it's like they keep me in reserve for when they need to have feelings.

I know I miss a lot by not living there anymore, but I do feel like they keep me in the loop for the things that matter. I'm glad they do. I just hate it when they're sad. I kept my fingers crossed that this wouldn't be the case this time even though I didn't think there was much of a chance that I was wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't hear from Soda for another week because one major thing got in the way of his calling Sandy. Pony ran off. I was having a hard enough time not being home with my brothers, and I hoped Soda wouldn't do anything silly while he was upset enough about this. And he was REALLY upset about this. We all were.

It was two days after my youngest brother had disappeared, and I was sitting on the couch trying to read while Tom tried to watch television next to me. Both of us were having trouble concentrating when the phone rang at 9:00 that night. We glanced at each other, and I reached across Tom to pick it up. I'd been fielding phone calls from Soda and Darry for two days now and kept praying the next call would be Pony. What I didn't expect, though, was that this would be Soda nor did I expect that he would sound the way he did when I answered the phone.

"Hello?" I asked for the second time, after not hearing any response on the other end when I first answered. I strained to hear anything and finally, I heard a very low voice choke out my name.

"Sam?" he practically whispered, and I felt my heart sink.

"I'm here," I said softly, getting off the couch and pulling the phone as far as it would go into the hallway. Tom watched me carefully, and I knew he understood what was going on without my having to explain it. One glance at my white knuckles on the receiver said it all.

I sat down with my back against the wall and waited for him to say something. When nothing came, I said softly, "Soda, I'm here. What… what happened? Did you hear from Pony?" My heart was in my throat.

"No." His voice quavered and he was silent again. I, however, was able to at least breathe. But I could tell that Soda was afraid of what would happen if he started talking, so I decided to ask questions that only required one-word answers.

"Is it Sandy?" I asked softly, and I wasn't surprised when I heard him sniffle.

"Are you home?" I asked.

"Uh huh," he mumbled.

"Are all the guys there?"

"Yes," he practically whispered.

"Soda, do you want to come here? I'll come get you if you want…"

"Yeah," he practically choked out.

"Ok," I said. "Sit tight. I'll be there in a couple of minutes."

He hung up without saying another word, and I pushed myself up off the floor and reappeared in the living room.

"It's about Sandy," I told Tom when he looked up expectantly from the television, and I could see his face mirror my disappointment at the lack of news about Pony.

"Is he ok?" he asked, watching in confusion as I grabbed my jacket off the chair next to the door.

I shook my head. "No, he isn't. He wants to come here, so I'm going to get him. Would you… would you mind just going into our room when you hear us pull up? Just from the way he sounded on the phone… I don't think he's up to seeing much of anyone tonight…"

I felt awful asking since this was his house too, but he nodded.

"Yeah, it's ok. I'll go. I get it." He looked rueful and I wondered, not for the first time, about Tom's past relationships. We knew the important things about our dating histories, but we'd never shared the gory details out of a mutual understanding that we just didn't need to know that much emotional history. But I saw the sympathy in his eyes as I walked out the door, and I couldn't help but wonder about his own breakups. I put that out of my mind as I got in the car, though… I knew Soda's would be more than enough for tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

When I got to my parents' house… I will always think of it as my parents' house… the front porch was empty, so I parked the car and walked inside. The only person in the living room was Darry, and he didn't look at all surprised to see me.

"Soda called you?" he asked in a low voice, but I just nodded. I couldn't even bring myself to answer because I was too busy staring at Darry while trying to pretend I wasn't. I hadn't seen him look like this since … well, since our parents' funeral. He obviously hadn't slept since Pony had disappeared, and I knew I would need to talk to him soon. I had to deal with Soda first, but I figured Darry would still be awake when we got back. There didn't seem to be much of a chance of him allowing himself any other option.

I forced myself to talk. "Is he in his room?" I asked softly, and Darry nodded.

"Are you taking him back with you?" he asked, and when I said yes, he sighed.

"Yeah, I guess that'd be the best idea. I know he wouldn't be comfortable talking here if the guys come over tonight."

"That's what I figured," I said as I started down the hallway to the room Soda and Pony shared. "But I won't come back late, so do you want to talk when I do?"

He glanced at me sharply, and I knew he could tell I read his expression the minute I walked in the door, but he just nodded. He knew he wouldn't be getting away from me tonight without this conversation no matter what he said. I'm like Mom that way, and as much as he might act like it annoys him, I know he would miss it if I didn't do it.

I found myself facing the closed door of the bedroom, so I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and knocked.

"Who is it?" Soda's voice was muffled, and I wilted a little.

"It's me," I called back, making my voice as gentle as possible.

A minute later, the door opened, but before I could even say hello, he was past me and on the way out to my car. By the time I got outside, he was already sitting in the passenger seat and staring out the window.

Without a word, I got into the car and started driving. Neither of us said anything during the ten-minute drive, and the only sound in the car was Soda's occasional sniffling. When we got to my house, he waited until I walked in to follow me. I realized quickly that he didn't know if Tom would be there, and he was stalling, so I could get him out of the room if necessary.

I sat down on the couch and waited for him to join me. When he did, I finally got my chance to look at him, and I could feel my heart breaking in half. His eyes were red and watery, and the look in his eyes was so anguished that I wished there were some way I could physically remove all of this pain. All I could do was wait, and it didn't take long for him to start talking.

"So I did what you said." He took a deep breath, but his voice was strained, and his eyes filled with tears again. "I asked her. And she … well, she's pregnant, Sam."

My eyes widened … I know they did… but he didn't even see it because he covered his face with his hands and hunched over. I got the feeling this was the first time he'd said the words, and they were really hitting him now. I shifted over on the couch and put my arm across his shaking shoulders and waited for him to calm down. It took a while, but when he finally did, he sat back on the couch and let out a deep breath.

"Soda?" I asked quietly after he hadn't said anything for a while. "What are you going to do?"

It was the wrong question. His eyes welled up, and he rubbed at them with the heel of his hand.

"Sam… it's not mine. She was runnin' around on me. Sandy… Sandy was cheatin' on me…"

His last words were swallowed by a sob he couldn't control, and he put his head back in his hands. I rubbed his back slowly, trying to process what he just told me and trying not to feel too much relief at the same time. I felt absolutely terrible seeing Soda this destroyed, but I couldn't help but rejoice that this responsibility wouldn't be his. This wasn't the time to tell him that, though. This wasn't the time to tell him much of anything.

We sat there together for an hour until he finally calmed down and started breathing normally. We hadn't said anything in about five minutes when I asked if he were ready to go back home. He nodded silently and was about to stand up when I asked if he wanted to say hi to Tom before he left. He glanced at the mirror over our mantelpiece and grimaced.

"Not now," he muttered and walked out the door without another word. I sighed. I got it. Of course I did. I grew up with three younger brothers. Didn't mean it made much sense to me, though. And now I knew I'd have to talk to Darry, so I drove back with a heavy heart. Every night since Pony had been gone was torture, but this one… this was the worst one yet.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This is definitely one of the longest chapters I've ever written because it somehow decided it needed a flashback. I think I'll take this story wherever it wants to go in the original book... with Sam along for the ride.

When we got back, Soda went directly to his bedroom. Darry was still sitting in his chair in the living room, but luckily, none of the other guys were there. When I sat down on the couch, I commented on that, and Darry sighed.

"They're not coming over as much these days," he muttered. "I don't think Steve and Two-Bit know what to say anymore. We all kind of figured Pony and Johnny would be back by now." He lapsed back into silence, but it was a pained silence. I didn't know what to say to break it yet, so I just sat there. If I know anything about my brother, it's not to say something to make him feel better if I don't really mean it, so I waited until I knew what I wanted to say.

I watched him examine the carpet. There was a reason he wasn't talking or looking at me, and I knew what it was. He was wary of me. I knew it before I even started talking. I'm the one who knows him best, and I'm the only one with the power to make him break. Normally, he doesn't fear that, but today he was closer to tears than I'd seen him months. Seeing him like this was bringing back all of those terrible memories of that car accident…

"_If we don't wash the dishes," I yelled from the kitchen, "Mom and Dad will freak out!"_

"_So go ahead," Darry yelled back. "You don't see any of us stopping you, do you?"_

_I stomped out of the kitchen into the living room where my brothers sat, watching television, and suddenly none of them would look at me._

"_Well?" I demanded, and after a moment of waiting, Pony jumped up. _

"_I'll help, Sam," he said. He walked behind me, and I heard him turn on the water. I glowered at my other two brothers._

"_Too bad Pony got the brains tonight, huh. Don't worry… Mom and Dad _will_ hear about this."_

_I was back in the kitchen with Pony before I could hear either of them respond. Pony and I were doing the dishes in companionable silence, the only sounds in the house the running water and the blasting television, when the doorbell rang._

_No one ever rings our doorbell. Our friends just walk in, and pretty much no one else ever visits. Pony and I glanced at each other and shrugged. The others weren't busy. They were more than capable of getting up to answer the door. What neither of us expected was the note of panic in Soda's voice when he shouted for us to get into the living room_.

_I was drying my hands on my jeans when I walked in, and my feet slowed when I saw the uniformed officer standing just inside the front door. My legs started to feel watery, but I realized I had to stay upright the minute I saw Darry's face. All of the color had drained out of it, and he was staring at me with a look of so much desperation that I knew I was his last hope._

_The cop slowly repeated everything he had already told my brothers, and I heard Pony start sniffling. I didn't, though. For some reason… even though I knew it was true… I still didn't believe him. I was the only one having that problem, though. After he left, Soda, who had been staring into space, finally broke. I wasn't even looking at him, but I knew it was Soda. When I turned around, he was sitting on the couch, his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms wrapped around his legs, and his face buried in his arms. His shoulders were shaking, and Pony was huddled next to him, staring straight ahead with tears streaming down his face. Finally, I forced myself to look at Darry. He was still looking at me; he still looked desperate, but he was still calm. Without a word between us, we left Soda and Pony to each other and walked into the kitchen._

"_What are we going to do…" he asked plaintively, leaning against the sink as I automatically turned back to the dishes. His voice was husky, and I suddenly realized how much this control was costing him. I slowly put down the dish I'd just picked up and turned to my younger brother. _

"_We're going to stick together," I said, feeling my own throat tighten. "That's what they would have wanted."_

_He nodded, and we stared at each other for a minute. I had just turned back to the sink when he mumbled, "Now you'll never be able to tell her we didn't do the dishes. Let me…"_

_I turned from him as the tears suddenly spilled down my cheeks, and I hoped the sound of the water he had just turned on would cover my sobs, but then I realized that they weren't covering his. I slowly turned back, and he was holding a plate under the water, his head bowed and his shoulders shaking._

"_She wouldn't have been mad," I managed to choke. "You know that." _

_He nodded but couldn't seem to look at me. I reached over and took the plate out of his hand, set it back in the sink, and turned off the water. In the sudden silence of the room, our sobs were suddenly audible and without even realizing what we were doing, we came together in a hug like we hadn't in years. It was the only time I saw Darry cry…_

I shook myself out of my memories I couldn't help but relive everyday and realized Darry was still not looking at me. And I finally realized what he was thinking.

"This isn't your fault," I said quietly. He looked up. I knew he would. As much as he would have liked to avoid this conversation, he couldn't. But the look on his face made it very clear that he didn't believe me.

"Of course it is, Sam," he said harshly. "If I hadn't hit him…" he trailed off, but the harshness in his voice couldn't have made it any clearer to me that he was more upset than he'd ever admit.

"It was a mistake, Dar. It didn't cause _any_ of this, and stop pretending it did. You KNOW it didn't. You just need someone to blame, and you're your own easiest target. Well, I won't let you do that. It's not your fault. If we're blaming anyone, it's those Soc's. I'm willing to bet whatever happened in that park was self-defense. And when Pony gets home… because he will, Darry… then we'll know for sure."

Darry had returned his eyes to the carpet the minute I started talking, but he jerked his head in a brief nod. I knew now why he wasn't looking up, and I got up from the couch and sat on the arm of his chair, putting my arm around his shoulders.

"I know it's hard," I said softly, feeling him trembling slightly, "but I think you're doing an awesome job with them. I know Mom and Dad do too. I'm sure they're so proud of you."

I kept my arm around him as the trembling increased, and I could hear his labored breathing. Neither of us spoke until he calmed down, and then he looked up at me. When he and Soda cry, they look more like each other than they'll ever know. I just wished I didn't know that. But Darry smiled at me with less anguish than he'd had when I'd walked in hours earlier, and I smiled back.

"Thanks, Sam," he said softly. "I'm glad you came tonight. You should get back to Tom, but I'll call you tomorrow. And I'm sure Soda will too."

I stood to go, and he stood too and pulled me into a tight hug.

"No problem, Dar," I mumbled in his ear. "I love you guys. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

We let go, and I walked out of the house, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. I hate seeing my brothers upset, and I couldn't wait to get home to Tom. I accuse Darry of trying to be too strong for Soda and Pony, but I know I do the same. I guess we're all more alike than we really acknowledge.


	5. Chapter 5

When I got back home that night, Tom was already in bed, but he was reading, and I knew he'd been waiting up for me. As I changed and slipped into bed next to him, I sighed with relief. I'd never thought I'd find anyone like him when I was growing up around all of the gangs and fights of my childhood. I never thought anyone like him even existed. He was so supportive and loving. He always reminded me of my dad in all of the best possible ways.

He reached over to turn off his lamp and then turned back to me as I slipped closer to him. He brought his knee up so I was on his lap as well as I could be while we were lying down, and he draped his arm across me. Few other places in my life could make me feel so protected and loved. As I sighed with relief and fit my body into his, he said,

"Ok, so tell me what's going on."

"Well, apparently, Sandy is pregnant. But," I continued over his smothered gasp, "it's not Soda's."

"Whoah…" Tom said slowly. "Oh man. Poor Soda… I can't even imagine…"

"I know," I said softly, aching with the knowledge of just how much he was probably hurting right now. "You probably heard him out there. I don't think he's stopped crying since he found out."

"Yeah, of course not," Tom mumbled sympathetically. "Who would? I seriously can't even believe she would do that to him, though. What's going to happen with her now?"

I shrugged. "I guess I should care… but seeing how much she hurt him… I really can't. She got herself into this mess, and as glad as I am that it's not Soda's, if it had been, at least he would have done everything he could to make this right."

Tom turned to me in the dark, and my eyes had adjusted enough to see that he was smiling. I was surprised. There was something to smile about in all of this?

"What?" I asked defensively, and he pulled me even closer.

"You're cute," he said simply. "I love the way you love your brothers. That's all."

I relaxed. "Yeah. I do. And Tom… I think you should call Darry tomorrow. I mean… don't tell him I told you this, obviously, but he's having a REALLY tough time dealing with everything that's going on with Pony. He … well, he thinks this is all his fault."

"What!" he exclaimed. He let out an explosive sigh. "Well, it's Darry, so I shouldn't be surprised. He always takes too much on himself. How… how bad was he?"

I turned to him, and I knew he could read my expression in the dark too, and I knew he could see how pained I must have looked.

"Bad," I said. It was all I said, but I knew he got it. He sighed again.

"Maybe I'll go there after work tomorrow," he muttered. "Want to meet there?"

I nodded. "Yes. I think they need us around now… and I think I need to be there too."

As we closed our eyes and tried to deliberately take slow, easy breaths, I mumbled, more to myself that to Tom, "and maybe Pony will come home too…"


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This story has taken on a life of its own. Sorry for the long wait.

When I got to my parents' house the next afternoon, Soda was the only one home. He would normally have been working at the DX at that time, but with everything that was going on with Pony, Steve had been trying to pick up more of Soda's shifts so someone could always be by the phone. I walked in to find him staring at the television, but I was pretty sure he wasn't hearing a word of it.

He turned when I opened the screen door, and from the look on his face, I knew better than to ask how his day had been. I just dropped my things by the door and joined him on the couch. We'd been sitting there in silence for a few minutes when he suddenly spoke. His voice was hoarse.

"I … I told Steve what happened," he muttered. I turned to look at him, but he was still staring at the screen. I turned back to face it as well, but I also put my arm around him. He was trembling slightly, and I just left my arm there as he continued to talk.

"He wanted to go yell at her, but I convinced him not to, I think," he said. "It's not like it would change anything. And who knows… she's probably in Florida by now."

I nodded. I was still afraid to speak because it felt like nothing I could say would be the right thing right now. No matter what I said, I felt like it had the potential to push him over the edge.

It turned out he didn't need my help.

After another minute of just sitting there, he leaned over and put his face in his hands. I left my arm around him and rubbed his back, still not speaking. We were sitting like that when Tom walked in a few minutes later. He was so quiet that Soda didn't hear him, and Tom didn't even look at me. He just took a deep breath, walked over, and sat down on Soda's other side. He put his hand on my little brother's shoulder and squeezed hard. Very slowly, Soda turned to see who it was that was now witness to everything he wished he could deny about himself. The moment he realized it was Tom, though, he reacted exactly the way I would have hoped. With tears in his eyes, he forced his crooked grin for about a second before hunching back over. And he didn't leave. He sat between us until he calmed down, and when he did, I finally got up and walked into the kitchen. I needed a minute to clear my head, and I also wanted to give him and Tom some time to talk to each other. I could hear every word, though.

"So have you talked to her?" Tom asked in a low voice. There was no verbal response, so I knew that Soda was shaking his head. But then he spoke.

"She just told me what happened and that she was leaving. When I tried to call her today, no one answered. I think … I think she may be gone already." He let out a shaky breath, and they were silent for a minute. Then Tom said, "Soda, I know how hard this is. Trust me. I've been there…"

My eyes widened, but I forced myself to stay where I was as Tom unfolded his own tale of woe for Soda's sake. I could hear in Tom's voice that this was something he'd rather not talk about, but I knew he was doing this for Soda. As I listened to a story that he had never told me, and that mirrored Soda's way too much for my liking, I couldn't help but be grateful that he was willing to share so much to make my brother feel better. On the other hand, I knew he and I would have a lot to talk about when we got home. I couldn't believe that there was a child out there that might find him someday… or that he'd never told me. While it might have been hard for him to share this with Soda, I don't think he had any idea of what it would be like in a few hours when I was going to make him talk about it with me.

I waited until he'd finished talking, and then I rejoined them in the living room. Soda looked up at me with slightly less anguish than he'd had an hour ago, and I smiled at him as I sat down.

"What time is Darry going to get home?" I asked, trying to change the subject. I'd been avoiding looking at Tom, but then I just did it. He was staring straight at me, and the pain in his eyes almost took my breath away. He'd been reliving the story he'd told Soda. I could see it. And once I looked at him, I could see that he knew I'd overheard everything. I looked back at my brother.

"He should be back any time now," he mumbled. I was glad he had missed the look. I wished I had. I wished I'd missed the story. But I swallowed hard and just looked down. Now I was glad to have Soda between us.


	7. Chapter 7

None of us were speaking when Darry walked in the door. Soda had lapsed into one of his rare (but completely understandable) brooding silences, and Tom wasn't looking at me for anything. That was fine. I didn't know what to say to him at this point. We all took Darry's arrival with something like relief.

"Hey," Tom said, jumping up. He slapped Darry on the shoulder gently… none of us could ever forget just how many bundles of roofing Darry carried in a day. Darry smiled at the three of us, but the circles under his eyes were just as pronounced as they'd been last night, and I jumped up, reaching out for one of our rare hugs. It seemed that we were needing them more and more this week.

We held onto each other tightly for longer than we normally would, and when we let go, my eyes were inexplicably full of tears. I walked out of the room. I didn't know why I couldn't seem to control myself suddenly. Well… part of it was the stress of waiting to find out about Pony, but this other thing… this conversation between Tom and Soda had me about ready to go over the edge. But I wasn't ready to think about that yet.

I rubbed my face, took a deep breath, and walked back into the living room. The scene had only changed with the addition of one person. Tom and Soda were still sitting on the couch, but now Darry was sitting in his arm chair. They were all staring at the television.

I cleared my throat, and they looked up at me as if they were each coming out of their own individual trances of misery.

"Want me to go get a pizza or something?" I asked. Darry shook his head and got out of his chair.

"No. It's not safe for you to go now. I'll go."

I was about to protest when Tom jumped up. "I'll go with Darry," he said quietly. He wouldn't look at me, but I could see that this was something he wanted to do, and I knew Darry would appreciate the time to talk too… not to mention that it would give me more time with Soda.

I nodded my consent and took my seat on the couch again as the two of them shuffled out the door. The house was quieter than I could ever remember it being. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes, and then I mentioned half-heartedly that I'd never heard it so quiet in here. It was the wrong thing to say.

Soda's eyes welled up with tears again. "It's Pony," he choked. "I just want to know when he's coming back. I … I can't lose two of them in one week."

"I know," I said, feeling a lump form in my own throat. "I'm worried about Pony too…" We both let out shuddering breaths, but we didn't look at each other. We simply stared straight ahead until my husband and brother returned with the pizza. I had a hard time swallowing the food, and I could see that the rest of them had the same problem. I didn't know what Tom and Darry had talked about while they were out, but right now, I also didn't care. I just knew that I needed to get out of this house that was missing too many people. I needed to go home. I needed to talk to Tom.


	8. Chapter 8

We didn't leave my brothers until almost 9:00 that night. We all sat around in silence after attempting to force feed ourselves pizza, each hoping that the phone would ring and bring some sort of relief. But when we still hadn't heard anything by 9, Tom and I glanced at each other for the first time in two hours. Even though I wasn't relishing the conversation we would have when we got home (to put it mildly), I knew it was time for us to leave, and so did he.

We both stood up slowly, and Soda and Darry also got up from their respective places on the couch and the armchair. I turned to Soda first and reached out to him. He put his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. We stood together like that for a minute while I rubbed his back. When we broke apart, he seemed slightly worse for the wear, but he forced a watery grin and turned to Tom. As they hugged briefly, I turned to Darry. He wasn't as bad as he'd been yesterday, but I could see the nighttime getting to him again. The nighttime always gets to all of us. It's when our parents died, so it's when Pony has nightmares, and it's when we all think about the things we'd rather forget.

Neither of us spoke, but he reached for the hug first, which is something he rarely does. I put my arms around his neck, and as he encircled my waist, I could feel his shaky breath in my ear.

"We'll find him," I muttered in his ear. "You have to believe that."

"Yeah," he sighed, and even though he didn't say any more, I knew from the way his arms tightened around me that he was as close to tears as Soda had just been. We hugged for a moment longer, and then Darry let go first. That _wasn't_ unusual, but this time he was doing it so he wouldn't start to feel any worse, and we both knew it. Tom took one look at him and made the wise decision to start towards the door. It was clear to all of us at that moment that Darry couldn't have said another word if his life depended on it, but it was also incredibly clear that he didn't want anyone to know that.

We walked out of the house without speaking. We drove home without speaking. We walked into our house without speaking. And we still hadn't said a word to each other even after we were sitting in our living room for five minutes. Tom finally broke the silence.

"I … I don't know what to say," he said. His voice was low, and he wasn't looking at me.

I took a deep breath. I couldn't look at him either, so I stared at the couch cushions as I spoke. "How about… you explain why you never told me that, in all likelihood, there's someone out there with half of your genetic material? That's NOT one of those insignificant past relationships that we can just sweep under the rug."

"I … I know," he mumbled after another moment of silence. "And I don't know why I didn't tell you. I think I've tried to block out that relationship for a long time now. It was the hardest time I've ever gone through. And I knew I'd never hear from her again. I don't know. I …" he trailed off, but his voice had tightened as he'd been speaking, and I knew, with a pit in my stomach, that Tom was now closer to tears than I'd ever seen him. I may be the only one to see my brothers cry, but I've NEVER seen Tom that vulnerable. I didn't know how to handle it.

I still didn't look up. "I get that, Tom. I really do. But this isn't something I could block out. I don't understand how you could even pretend that you could. I know you. You have a CHILD. Are you telling me you were ever, for one minute, able to forget that fact? I doubt it." I could hear the hurt and anger in my voice, and there was no way for me to stop it. I didn't want to stop it, though. For the first time in our marriage, I wanted to hurt him as much as he'd suddenly hurt me. But I had. I knew it as soon as he started talking.

"I'm… sorry," he said, and his voice shook. "Maybe I didn't forget. But I wished I could." He stopped speaking, and I finally looked up when I felt his eyes on me. He was staring at me, and his eyes were glassy with tears that he was struggling to contain. But when he spoke again, his voice was a mess, and he lost the battle. "Sam," he said in a voice that sounded nothing like his own, "she just left. She never even said goodbye to me like Sandy did for Soda. And I would have helped her raise the baby. I didn't want to marry her. I didn't love her. But I would have loved that kid. I would…" I stared at him, a lump in my throat, but I wasn't able to say a word. And then he just gave up. He turned away from me, and his shoulders started to shake. And then I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I wanted to protect him, and I launched myself from my spot to throw my arms around him.

"I love you," I choked out, and he gripped me more tightly than he ever had before as he shook with sobs.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I'm just so sorry."

I shook my head against him. "Stop apologizing," I said, sniffling. "It's ok."

After a few minutes of deep breaths, we pulled away from each other. Tom looked at me and brushed my hair away from my face, leaning in to kiss me. I was finally starting to relax when the phone rang. We broke apart and looked at the clock. It was 10:30.

I leaned across Tom and grabbed it. It was Darry. I listened for a minute and then hung up. I turned to Tom with my first smile in what felt like an eternity.

"Pony's ok."


End file.
